When I first heard the word BAE, I was like--we are that lazy that we can't even say the last B? I was naive that BAE is an acronym for Before Anyone Else. #imold
Now that {I'm in the know}, it's a term we use for the most important person in our lives, but really, we need to be our own bae's.
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The holidays bring up SO much for so many. First, there is the nostalgia that brings back memories and meaning from our childhoods. Second, there is the grief over the people who helped to create those memories but are no longer here to celebrate with us. Third, we have new family members to celebrate with, who have their own traditions and expectations. Fourth, financial stress. Fifth, deciding whom to visit when.
So many decisions amongst the expectations-- it makes your head spin.
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Do you really want to know the secret to life? It's dealing with your fear. Listening to it. Confronting it. If you can deal with what holds you back, you can do anything you want. This doesn't mean that you reach for unrealistic expectations. If fear is in your way, removing it can move you along in your journey of life, love, work, etc., much faster.
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What rules do you think you need to follow to fit in or belong? Many of us are terrified to break the societal rules we've soaked in like a sponge that say: you’re not allowed ask for what you need, be grateful for what you have. Be small, stay quiet, don’t disappoint or hurt anyone. Don’t get too big for your britches. Don’t rock the boat. Be available for everyone’s needs. Don’t ask questions, don’t be high maintenance, don’t be sensitive.
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Part I was about WHY it’s so hard to ask others for what we need. When we examine this question, the first one that may arise is: how do I know what my needs are? I’ve been ignoring them for so long, I’m not sure I even know what to ask for.
First, acknowledge that it’s ok to have needs. When you deny your own needs for so long, starting to acknowledge them can bring up guilt, doubt, and issues of deserving. Permission slips are good to use for this purpose. Give yourself permission to acknowledge and pursue your needs. Why? Permission slips give us the green light and make it easier to "break" the societal/cultural/familial ruleswe feel like we're breaking if we pursue unmet needs.
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Wouldn't it be great if people were as intuitive as animals? They always seem to know when you need a cuddle, reassurance, or an overly enthusiastic greeting. But people can't read our minds, as much as we think they should be able to if they really knew us. Not the case though: they don't always intuitively know what we need. They are not mind readers. It gets even harder when we expect them to and we're constantly let down.
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When you pay attention to what you are already doing to take steps towards your goal, it helps you to see how every little bit counts. We often discount the small steps, and use negative self-talk such as, "Oh, I haven't done anything to start working on getting a new job," or, "I'll never be able to move because I'm too scared." We make absolute statements that really aren't true and overlook the progress we're already making.
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Digging into self-help can be like wading into a swamp, and may lead some to feel as though they are more stuck than when they started. Wait, aren’t I supposed to be an advocate for personal growth and change? Yes, and I am.
Why does this happen? When we embark on the journey that we’ve been avoiding for so long, we uncover more and more things that we didn’t realize were THINGS. Things to be addressed. Things to feel. Things to talk about. Things to think about. Things to just deal with. Everyday. All the things. It can feel like more weight to carry than less. You may want to scream, I don’t want one more THING to deal with. I know, I know.
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