It’s ok. I’ll just die here before I inconvenience you. That was the way I was treating myself before I accepted my life-threatening peanut allergy.Read More
Here's the pattern: I see many perfectionists; people who work hard, give a lot to others, and don't ask for a lot in return. They may not self identify as a perfectionist, but there is fear of failure or disappointing others under the surface which looks like perfectionism from above. When they get to my office, they are weary and worn out. They cannot understand why they don't get anything back from the people to whom they're giving. So they continue to give, do, be, and turn themselves inside out to try to get something back.Read More
You are not responsible for others’ feelings and behaviors. They are. We grow up believing we are responsible because others blame us for their pain. “It’s your fault I’m mad.” “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t feel this way.” “You made me mad/upset.” “You make me crazy.”
→ This makes you believe you are in control of others’ emotions, and you learn that you want to avoid the shame results from another’s blame like the plague. You learn to alter your actions to avoid making someone “mad,” and being perceived as a disappointment or an instigator.Read More
It’s not a secret that American culture glorifies self-sufficiency and hyper-independence. We want to go it alone, do it all ourselves, and have all the control. When we encounter a speed bump or road block, the internal messages we hear sound like: buck up, soldier on, suck it up, just deal with it. Like, dude, what's wrong with you? Just GET OVER IT.
Not that it’s bad to pull yourself up by the proverbial bootstraps or motivate yourself to go on in the face of hardship. However, the subliminal message to this cultural value and norm is: If you need anyone or anything to help you, you’re weak. If you can’t do it alone, there’s something wrong with you. When we feel that the burden is all ours whether we need help or not, it can get very heavy.Read More
People think that perfectionism is the relentless drive to be perfect. There is another way that perfectionism rears its head in a way you wouldn’t necessarily think of as perfectionism. It shows up as the refusal to be wrong and the avoidance of mistakes, or avoidance of anything that could lead to a mistake.Read More
Balance: It’s this elusive thing we all want and sounds great… But in reality, who really has balance in his or her life?Read More
The way therapy has been portrayed on television recently would make anyone shun the process. In some circles it is acceptable and invited, but in others it can be shameful.
What I see most in my office are people who should have come in sooner. But they avoided it, tried to solve their problems on their own, talked to friends or loved ones about how they are feeling, etc. All of that is great; nothing is bad about that per se, but the belief that one is a failure if not able to solve his or her own problems is the problem.Read More
We don't often think about TIME being or having a boundary but it does. Events in our lives have a finite beginning and end. We have holidays where we only do certain rituals during certain times. What are you doing in your life where you need to invoke more boundaries around your time?Read More