The WORST thing you can say to someone who is experiencing anxiety

I work with and talk to so many people who experience anxiety. They say things like:

“I’m anxious.”

“I feel anxious,”

“I’m nervous.'‘

“I’m worried.”

The logical follow up question from any person would be “Why? What made you anxious?” Despite this being the most obvious response, it is the LEAST helpful one.

Hear me out. Let’s follow the conversation through:

Person A: I’m so anxious right now."

Person B: Oh no, why? What made you anxious?

A: I don’t know, I just am.

B: Right, but why? What just happened to make you feel that way?

A: I don’t know. Nothing.

B: Continues to probe with 14 different versions of the same question to keep getting the “I don’t know.”

Person A doesn’t feel supported, Person B feels frustrated that they could not be helpful and puzzled as to why the answer to a seemingly innocuous question is so hard.

Photo credit: Rodnae Productions/Pexels

Here’s why: Anxiety is an outcome of myriad triggers, internal and external. If anxiety is a product of a prior trauma, triggers are often implicit. This means they happen outside of conscious awareness. The way the light is shining through the window, the sound of the water running, fast movement in peripheral vision— these types of sensory cues are often fragmented in our bodies and easily triggered when something external lines up. It happens so fast that our conscious mind has no idea, we just experience the result of that trigger, which is anxiety, nervousness, etc.

People also experience social anxiety. Social anxiety can be a feature of ADHD, depression, or the autism spectrum. While it’s not rational, this can make people feel like they will be rejected by everyone at the function, no one will like them, everyone is staring at them, judging them, etc. Again, not rational. But all of these worries feel true and real.

The last and least likely scenario is that the anxiety is situational. People are smart. If there is a simple explanation of an anxiety trigger- like a loud annoying emergency test on the radio, the person will turn it off. We are wired to avoid pain. If there is a solution to resolve the anxiety trigger, it is likely that people will find it, and may not ever talk about feeling anxious in the first place.

Ok, so what is one to do? What is one to say? Doesn’t it seem rude not to ask why someone is feeling the way they are? On the surface, sure, I guess. But in practice, most people want to be seen and heard, not offered solutions.

Instead:

Be curious about the experience of anxiety, not the cause. This could sound like, “oh, I see. What is going on for you? Is your heart racing? Are you feeling scared? I know when I get anxious, I get really hot. Is that happening for you?” “Hmm, does this happen a lot, or is this a new experience?” You are getting to talk about the experience, versus the cause of it. Naming the feelings and talking about the sensations helps reduce the power the anxiety has.

Offer a range of choices “Ok, what would be the most helpful- do you want a hug, would you like me to just stand here with you and keep you company, do you want to vent, or would a distraction be helpful?

Distractions:

• Movement: A walk, dance, go find a drink of water. Movement can help ease anxiety, as it often makes people freeze in the place where they are.

• Talk about the last show you binge-watched, the last great meal you had, etc.

• Play an easy game like the alphabet game— pick a category (fruits and vegetables), then take turns naming fruits and vegetables while going through the alphabet. Person A- apples; Person B- blueberries, Person A- carrots, and so forth.

• Funny memes or tik-toks for easy laughs. Laughter is great medicine.

Orient towards safety and control

Anxiety makes us focus on the future and what’s out of one’s control. Helping Person A focus on what is within their control and tuning into safety in the environment can help calm the underlying threat.

It’s ok for the person with anxiety to not know the cause. It’s ok for you as the support person to not know how to resolve the anxiety or fix the problem for them. The act of attending to the person’s experience will help them feel seen and heard, and that action itself is more likely to be soothing than actively searching for solutions. Ironic that not talking about a solution can be part of a solution…

Boundaries and Aviators: 10 objections to setting boundaries

Boundaries are a therapy buzz word. Even though we know boundaries are good for us, we avoid implementing them for many reasons. Here are some common objections to setting boundaries; read on to find out how in the world they have anything to do with aviators.

1. Boundaries are mean.

2. Boundaries are rejecting another person

3. Boundaries hurt feelings

4. They’ll be mad at me if I set a boundary

5. What if they turn around and set a boundary with me I’m not expecting?

6. They’re not used to me communicating this way, so it’s not fair to them.

7. I might lose the relationship because of this boundary

8. They might feel like it’s a punishment and react poorly

9. They will remember that I set it, and retaliate in a way I probably won’t like

10. Boundaries are mean.

While there are many things I could say about these 10 objections, we’re going to focus on the utility of boundaries here. We’ll cover how many of the objections are putting others’ needs and feelings ahead of your own in a future post.

If you know me or have read other blog posts, you know I think in pictures and use metaphor a lot.

Let’s think about the Sun. Yes, the thing Earth and the other planets in the Milky Way revolve around. What do we know about it? It’s crazy hot, it’s always there, but our perspective on it changes depending on time of day and time of year. The sun isn’t human and can’t respond to our boundaries if we don’t like how hot it is, I know it seems a little silly. But it’s to discuss this point: the sun isn’t rejected if we put on sunscreen. The sun isn’t offended if we close the blinds or put up a beach umbrella. It’s just there. We use different items and tools, we plan our time and vacations accordingly, we look for the best aviators Ray Ban offers. Still, the sun is there. Using these tools to set boundaries helps us.

Now we can get a tad more personal while still being concrete. Think of your house as a boundary, and whom you allow into your house, with what level of security, and when. When and why do you have a security alarm? Door locks? Window shades and blinds? Garage doors? Who gets a key or a code to your house? Who can go in even if you’re not home? Who would you never open the door for, even if they rang the doorbell? This is how boundaries relates to the idea of trust and safety.

Relationships are all about connection. Close relationships with good connection have trust and safety. Trust and safety are products or outcomes of good boundaries and communication. Circling back to the aviators: we can use sunglasses as a shield from the sun, and/or to hide our eyes, to put a barrier in between you and another person. If you have a close, trusting relationship with someone, they will know the truth with or without eye contact. Cue The Eagles’: you can’t hide your lyin’ eyes…

Bottom line: you can’t have good, solid relationships without boundaries.

The two phrases you need to eliminate from your vocabulary

1. Everyone else ___________________.

• Can figure it out

• Can find a partner

• Can do it

• Has it together

• Knows more about it than I do

• Has a family to do _____ with

• Has friends who care

2. No one else_____________________.

• Struggles like this

• Has these problems

• Thinks about these things

• Is as crazy as I am

• is a hot mess like me.

I am going to yell so you can hear me, and for the people in the back: YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ANYONE ELSE IS THINKING. PERIOD.

No buts…. No excuses….

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ANYONE ELSE IS GOING THROUGH.

EVERYONE WEARS A MASK OF “I’m ok,” “I’m fine.”

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN ANYONE’S RELATIONSHIP BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

YOU DON’T KNOW THE ANXIETY PEOPLE EXPERIENCE EVEN THOUGH THEY LOOK COMPOSED.

YOU’RE NOT AWARE OF THE INVISIBLE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PAIN PEOPLE EXPERIENCE EVERYDAY.

They are unaware of the pain you hide, and you only see the shiny mask they are wearing. If you are hiding pain, you can be assured that others are too.

Ok, enough yelling. I don’t yell. But I need you to hear this. This comparison thing is so limiting, so obstructive, so self-defeating. You are projecting your own thoughts and feelings of shame or inadequacy onto others and believing that they think what you do. About you. You have no. idea. None.

Often, they are worried you are thinking things about them that they’ve projected onto you. If you think they’re good enough. That you have the perfect life, family, relationship, house, etc.

Why do we do this? Comparison is human nature, unfortunately. But it’s based on scarcity and does not help us. When you fall victim to your own beliefs that others think badly of you, you are voluntarily handing over your power to them. They get 100% of the power to evaluate, decide, interpret, or judge whatever it is that you may be doing explicitly or implicitly. Because you gave it to them.

We also do this because we think it protects us. “If I criticize myself, it first, then their comments or facial expressions, won’t hurt me.” As Dr. Phil says, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”

What do YOU think of you?

Are you acting in a way that’s aligned with your authentic self, who you are at your core? Are you acting in accordance with your values? If that is the case, you will be able to discuss others’ objections, criticisms, and judgments. Discuss. Not defend. Not agree or disagree. Not justify.

It might not be comfortable, fun, or easy, but you will know you’re being true to yourself, you’re being the most you. If that’s not good enough for them, then they may not be your people.

Or, the discussion may be constructive, and you can learn from it. It may lead to greater understanding which enhances connection. If you didn’t engage in the discussion due to shame, that possibility for improved connection wouldn’t exist.

If you script out the whole interaction before it happens, concluding that no one will like you, or what you are presenting (so you shouldn’t even try), you are living in an alternative reality that you’ve created. You then marinate in that place of shame, scarcity, and misery.

We don’t know what people will think. People will think a million things. We can’t control it, nor can we confirm all of those things. Not all of it matters.

Living this way inhibits you from really living your life. Showing up for yourself, as yourself.