I'm not silent. I'm listening.

Black lives matter. Taking in and processing what has been unfolding over the last several weeks, I have not been silent. I’ve been absent online and on social media, but conversations in our household and conversations with clients have been frequent and complex.

I feel the need to defend the online absence which could be viewed as silence, but don’t want to defend at the same time. Nevertheless, I don’t want my silence to speak for me or be interpreted as part of the problem. I also don’t want to masquerade as someone with white fragility or white privilege, and yet I can’t control what people think. I’m human and imperfect. I’m not opting out, I am opting in.

I opted in before I knew what the term “virtue signaling” meant. That’s not why I’m writing this. As a social worker, standing up for social justice, vulnerable populations, and respect for the humanity and dignity of people is in our Code of Ethics. It’s inherent in the way I operate in the world and in my work. Injustice based on race, class, religion, sexual orientation, ability, zip code, etc. is intolerable to me. “A rising tide lifts all boats” is an idea attributed to JFK to recognize that by helping the most vulnerable, we are helping everyone.

When so much is out of control right now, it has been helpful for me to engage in life in ways I can control. I have been listening. Learning. Processing. Trying to help my 7 year old son understand white privilege and racism. Supporting my clients as they navigate their worlds with COVID, Black Lives Matter, and their own set of circumstances. Listening to podcasts, documentaries, commentators. It’s kind of important to be quiet when listening. I have learned so much about what was left out of history and what I didn’t know I didn’t know.

When people are overpowered by a person, a group, a system, a society… it often leaves traumatic wounds. I am someone who is dedicated to helping people recover from their own trauma and uncover their own power. Part of that discovery process is learning how to use the power in a way that is assertive, authentic, and grounded in their values. Despite this amazing growth and ability to live into the life they want, many still encounter barriers, microaggressions, and injustice.

Those in positions of power are usually entrenched in a scarcity mindset, in that if power is shared, they are losing some, versus an abundance mindset of a rising tide. A scarcity mindset is fear based: powerful or powerless. Why is powerwith not a word? Maybe because it hasn’t become a thing. I have heard of both/and instead of and/or. I believe in this movement to address these wounds and I want to learn how to contribute to healing. I don’t have the answers, but I want to be part of the process.

One of the concepts I will never forget from graduate school is sociological imagination. In his 1959 book, C.Wright Mills uses the term to emphasize the connections between and among social structures, individual experiences, and personal agency. That what we experience individually is also experienced by others and influenced by context. George Floyd’s experience of being so inhumanely overpowered was the match needed to spark a long overdue social justice movement. His experience was literally the intersection of the individual and collective.

I’m not particularly loud on social media, as my life demands other things of me right now. I devote the almost the entirety of my resources to my offline life, but I am active. I am listening.

Buffering the effects of trauma during this pandemic

I sent the following message out to current and previous clients today. I wanted to make it pretty, with pictures, sparkles, bows, bells and whistles. But…. no time for that. Because of the trauma work I did BC (before Coronavirus), I am anticipating how NOW will impact LATER.

Are my thoughts exhaustive? No. Complete with ALL the resources? No. There are a ton of resources flooding your inbox, social news feed, and TV. I wanted to share my thoughts, experiences thus far with clients, and knowledge to help you, where you are now, quickly.

Email sent:

I am writing this to acknowledge, normalize, and inform you about how the current pandemic could be affecting you.  I care about you and your stability, and how this pandemic may impact you and all of us going forward. 

Knowing these things now may help buffer how the chronic exposure to this collective trauma is stored in your body and your memory.

First things first:  This is a trauma. Collectively.  It is affecting people differently and in myriad ways.  We don’t need to get into the quicksand of whose hardships are worse, who doesn’t deserve to suffer because their “circumstances aren’t as bad,” etc.  Please let's just leave comparative suffering at the door.

Because we are currently in a trauma, we do not know how we will react 6 months after the dust settles, when it could be termed PTSD.  If you are experiencing panic, hypervigilance, sleep disruption, and symptoms you would have called PTSD, it’s more likely Acute Stress Disorder. This is the same thing, but it’s present and not past.  In these times and circumstances, it is ok to seek medical intervention to help treat acute symptoms so that you can function as best you can.

Here are some trends I’ve been seeing from current clients that may be familiar and validating for you:

• Feeling that you “should” be doing more than you are (i.e. being more productive)

• Episodes of crying or being teary when that is not the “norm” for you

• Trouble falling asleep or waking frequently during the night

• Racing thoughts

• Dread that makes you stay in your pajamas the whole day

• A feeling of heaviness

• Grief:  Loss of normalcy, loss of future, loss of connection

• Having good days and bad days

• Feeling angry and irritable

• Numbing

• Trouble engaging in your regular activities, or normal “chores.”

• Over-exercising or not being able to exercise

• Fear: uncertainty, the unknown

• Changed expectations: What are the new expectations, are there any, should we keep old ones, what expectations are fair, and on...

Why are we having these reactions?  Remember that our body is primitively wired to respond to trauma with fight, flight, or freeze reactions.  In a chronic trauma, we will initially have a surge of this, and then find a new elevated normal.  

Fight:  It’s hard to fight an invisible enemy ourselves.  So we fight with our families, we displace anger onto the customer service rep on the phone, etc.

Flight:  We cannot flee, we are trapped.  We may flee in our minds by binge watching tv/movies, numbing with food, alcohol, or other things, sleeping, reading books.  

Freeze:  This seems to be the most common response that I’ve seen among the people I’ve spoken with.  The freeze causes us to be unmotivated, not be “able to get things done,” increase feelings of apathy, feel depressed, etc.  

Having these reactions is normal.  You are human and you will experience human responses.  It’s ok to numb. It’s ok to watch TV. When it gets to a self-destructive level, that’s another story.  

The point is:  we can give ourselves permission to be human, and acknowledge that we are affected.  When the shoulds come to visit, ask them “who says?” And then if needed, give yourself permission to do whatever it is you need.

We have to name the feelings.  Draw the feelings.  Write about them. Talk to family and friends about them.  Get mad and scream. Punch pillows. Dance. Do yard work. Do light exercise.

This pandemic threatens us by causing feelings of a lack of safety, power, and control.  We don’t want those beliefs to set in for the long term.  

In response: 

• Create as much security, predictability and normalcy as possible.  

• Control what you can control.  

• Let go of what you cannot.  

• Watching too much news will escalate feelings of powerlessness

• Engage in self-care.

• Box breathe, do bilateral movement. Bring your resting heart rate down.

• Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace

• Take naps

A bit of transparency, as I walk the walk, not just talk the talk:

I’ve struggled with the freeze response on some days.  I’ve felt drained and exhausted. I’m working on processing my own feelings about this in creative ways with my family.  I feel angry and frustrated. Powerless at times. Here are some of the things I did, or we did together to help us feel even just a little bit better:

• Created a family journal/log/scrapbook

• Wrote inspiring messages on neighborhood sidewalks in chalk for all the people going on walks (didn’t mean to rhyme)

• Had honest discussions about grief, loss, sadness and anger

• Supported each other with acute expressions of emotion

• Gave permission to not do things that we felt we “should,”  (i.e. laundry, some chores, cooking, etc.)

• Box breathing

• Guided meditations from You Tube or apps

• Sent cards and letters to family and friends

• Had group Zoom calls with family and friends

• Naps!

I want to get this information out to you because I’ve been sitting on it for days, trying to figure out “the best way” to distribute the information.   This mode is imperfect, not well-edited for grammar or organization. I am giving myself permission for it to be imperfect and ok as is, because I care more about your well-being, and I value contribution.  

Wishing you health, safety, and peace,

Anya

On Obligation

Can we examine obligation?  

What do you do out of obligation that you’d otherwise decline?  How much of your time does that take up? 

We act out of obligation automatically, without stopping to evaluate the decision.  The truth is, there is a choice, there is an option. The opposition to this idea is: “but I have to.”  “I should do this because…”

When we feel boxed in and like we don’t have a choice, we are operating in a scarcity mindset.  What does that mean and how is that connected? Scarcity mindset encompasses many things, but primarily says that nothing is ever enough.  Not caring enough. Not successful enough. Not enough time. Not thin enough. Not nice enough.

What does scarcity mindset lead to?  Competitiveness, comparison, judgment, shame, blame, fear, anger and holding grudges, an idea that there are finite resources/choices, and an absence of self-knowledge.  When we’re always seeking more because we never have enough, there is not a sense of being present with what is. It’s fear and future based without regard for what’s right in front of us.  

What do we do instead?  Move towards an abundance mindset.  We are enough. We have enough. We have choices.  We don’t have to act out of fear, we can embrace change, we can support others’ success because it is not a competition.  There is enough success and joy for everyone. We can share with others and learn from them without feeling inadequate.  

Is this possible?  Yes! How? It’s a loaded question, but we can start with self-awareness of how fear and scarcity are running our lives.  We can start to build courage to set boundaries instead of acting out of obligation. This means letting go of feeling responsible for others’ feelings, experiences, or opinions.  Letting go of control.  

This sounds very scary.  Like-- how am I supposed to drive if you take the wheels off of my car?! We opt out of driving as the only way to get there.  We have other choices. We give up fear, obligation and guilt and latch onto courage, belief in our own worthiness, and humility.