Do you really want to know the secret to life? It's dealing with your fear. Listening to it. Confronting it. If you can deal with what holds you back, you can do anything you want. This doesn't mean that you reach for unrealistic expectations. If fear is in your way, removing it can move you along in your journey of life, love, work, etc., much faster.
Read moreRule Breakers and Change Makers
What rules do you think you need to follow to fit in or belong? Many of us are terrified to break the societal rules we've soaked in like a sponge that say: you’re not allowed ask for what you need, be grateful for what you have. Be small, stay quiet, don’t disappoint or hurt anyone. Don’t get too big for your britches. Don’t rock the boat. Be available for everyone’s needs. Don’t ask questions, don’t be high maintenance, don’t be sensitive.
Read morePART ii: Examining How to Ask for What We Need
Part I was about WHY it’s so hard to ask others for what we need. When we examine this question, the first one that may arise is: how do I know what my needs are? I’ve been ignoring them for so long, I’m not sure I even know what to ask for.
First, acknowledge that it’s ok to have needs. When you deny your own needs for so long, starting to acknowledge them can bring up guilt, doubt, and issues of deserving. Permission slips are good to use for this purpose. Give yourself permission to acknowledge and pursue your needs. Why? Permission slips give us the green light and make it easier to "break" the societal/cultural/familial ruleswe feel like we're breaking if we pursue unmet needs.
Read morePart I: Asking for what we need
Wouldn't it be great if people were as intuitive as animals? They always seem to know when you need a cuddle, reassurance, or an overly enthusiastic greeting. But people can't read our minds, as much as we think they should be able to if they really knew us. Not the case though: they don't always intuitively know what we need. They are not mind readers. It gets even harder when we expect them to and we're constantly let down.
Read moreConfidence Comes from Evidence
When you pay attention to what you are already doing to take steps towards your goal, it helps you to see how every little bit counts. We often discount the small steps, and use negative self-talk such as, "Oh, I haven't done anything to start working on getting a new job," or, "I'll never be able to move because I'm too scared." We make absolute statements that really aren't true and overlook the progress we're already making.
Read moreFinding hope when you're stuck
Digging into self-help can be like wading into a swamp, and may lead some to feel as though they are more stuck than when they started. Wait, aren’t I supposed to be an advocate for personal growth and change? Yes, and I am.
Why does this happen? When we embark on the journey that we’ve been avoiding for so long, we uncover more and more things that we didn’t realize were THINGS. Things to be addressed. Things to feel. Things to talk about. Things to think about. Things to just deal with. Everyday. All the things. It can feel like more weight to carry than less. You may want to scream, I don’t want one more THING to deal with. I know, I know.
Read moreDon't Blame it on the Pain
Blame what on what pain? Blame is rampant in our culture. If we can offload responsibility onto someone or something else we will. When we feel pain, we want to escape it as quickly as possible.
Betrayed? Throw yourself into work, find a friend and go to the bar, or find the nearest shoe sale. If we get into trouble, we believe we have permission to blame the pain inflictor for our behavior. It must be his or her fault I feel this way. While that may be true, and another’s action causes a reaction in you, it doesn’t give you carte blanche to do whatever you want to numb or dull the pain.
The go-to behaviors are the problem, not the solution. When people come to therapy, it’s often because the assumed solution to the assumed problem was to drink, work, socialize, sleep, eat, scroll Instagram, workout, etc. And now that solution has become the problem. The real problem is usually not this armor. We desperately cling to the armor to shield us from our own pain. It’s a vicious cycle of the pain fueling the behaviors to numb… said pain.
Glennon Doyle Melton, author of Love Warrior, shares in Oprah’s Soul Sessions turns the idea of pain as the problem on its head: “How would our lives and relationships and our world transform if we stopped being so afraid of pain? What if we just once and for all decided that we were strong enough for the pain in our lives so that instead of hiding from it we just rush straight toward it, and allow our pain to become our power?”
We don’t have how-to-deal-with-pain classes in school. If your parents didn’t teach you how to process your emotions, it’s likely you don’t have a tool to really deal with the pain. Once we take the pain head on, it actually does dissipate. I know it’s hard to believe; we think that if we do that we’ll be overtaken by the pain and never recover. The opposite is actually true. If we get really deep into our numbing behaviors, they can overtake us and lead to worse troubles.
This is where the mindfulness revolution comes in. If we learn how to apply mindfulness strategies to the here and now it can really teach us how to attune to the present, rather than the past or the future. Mindfulness can lead people to roll their eyes, but it’s really a word that leads us to pay attention to ourselves and our internal worlds, rather than being so externally focused. Mindfulness is also part of self-compassion, which uses self-kindness and a belief in common humanity (others have experienced what we are going through) to address pain.
These types of tools help us to digest it. If we didn’t digest our food, we’d have big problems, obviously. Just as our bodies need to physically digest what we take in, our brains need to emotionally process what our senses are taking in. If we resist that processing, it’s not going to lead anywhere that is productive or helpful for our well-being. There are so many tools to help us digest our pain (meditation, mindfulness, self-compassion, EMDR, journaling, and more). Whatever your chosen antidote to pain, the best medicine is to face it with courage and support.
Don’t make blame your friend and pain your enemy. Embrace your pain as a teacher and a difficult but necessary part of life.
How to Win the Tug of War between Vulnerability and The Inner Critic
When we summon the courage to take a risk or make a change, we often encounter fear and a little voice that talks trash. “You won’t be good at it. Don’t try it. You’ll fail anyway. It’s not worth the humiliation. Try again later. It won’t be good enough. Everyone will laugh at you, etc.” This is your inner critic talking.
Sound familiar?
We all experience vulnerability and we all have an inner critic. It’s just part of the human psyche. When they clash, whose team wins?
Let’s start by explaining each side.
Vulnerability
Most people grow up believing that vulnerability is weakness. Over 13,000 pieces of data in the research of Dr. Brené Brown show that vulnerability is actually courage. The definition of vulnerability is the following: risk, uncertainty, and emotional exposure. We fear the unknown, what will happen if we go to the interview for the job we don’t feel qualified for. What will happen if you tell your partner how you really feel. The uncertainty and the risk mixed with fear are a recipe for anxiety and just fodder for your inner critic, right? Well… Brown’s research also shows that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging and joy. What we all really want. That risk can lead to reward and not just pain?? Yes. Vulnerability requires courage
The Inner Critic
The inner critic’s purpose is to keep us safe. When something went wrong in childhood, it planted seeds in your inner critic’s mind that doing that wasn’t safe. It created conditions where you learned what was safe and what was too risky. This can be as simple as-- If you touch the stove when it’s hot, then you’ll get burned. You can see then, that in a good way, your inner critic wants to keep you safe. He or she doesn’t want to see you get hurt. So the next time you go near something hot, you’ll hear an internal warning to be careful or to steer clear. However, the inner critic doesn’t grow up and mature in the same way. It’s rooted in absolutes and believes every danger is 100% true and will happen. The first time you got your heartbroken because you told someone how you felt? Your inner critic will tell you never to talk about your feelings with your partner that openly again. It wants to share the worst case scenario with you, as it believes it is guaranteed to happen in order to stop you in your tracks. So what’s one to do?
1. Call it out. Inner Critic, I hear you. What are you trying to protect me from? What are you so worried will happen? How do you know that’s true?
2. Thank him or her for trying to protect you from harm. Acknowledge that there’s a part of you that exists for self-protection, but sometimes to your own detriment.
3. What if that wasn’t true? A million other things could happen. Something amazing could happen. You’ll never know if you don’t take steps forward. What else could be true if you do this?
4. Create safety for yourself. First, get present and recognize where you are. Are you safe, like physically safe, where you are? Are you in danger now? If things don’t go as planned, what can you or will you do?
5. Write it down if you have to. If things don’t go as planned (good, bad, or indifferent), I’ll___________. Call my best friend. Get a massage. Watch a movie that makes me cry so I can just cry it out. Go the gym and hit the punching bag. Have a celebratory dinner with my partner. Have a solo dance party to feel the joy of being rewarded for trying and taking the risk. Express gratitude to myself for trying.
When we are vulnerable and show up in our lives, great things can happen. Does that mean we never get hurt? No. Brené also says that the bravest among us are also the most brokenhearted. We cannot go through life unscathed. If we allow our inner critic to control our lives, we will likely never take risks, step into uncertainty, and expose our emotions. While you may stay safe, you will also not experience the fruits of courage: love, belonging, and joy.
You are the mediator between your own sense of vulnerability and your inner critic. You can experiment with how much risk, uncertainty, and emotional exposure you can tolerate. Understand your limits and recognize your own growth. It’s amazing how much you’ll surprise yourself when you give yourself permission to go for it.